MRS THERAPY GIRL

Hello world! Why yes, it has been a couple years since I blogged, which means this might not make its way to anyone because this page was inactive so long, and that would be sad, but it would also be okay. I mostly want to write this for anyone that might need to hear it, and for myself because I need to acknowledge it.

I got my most “recent” tattoo in December of 2024. I had been depressed for months. Truly I was depressed on and off through most of my 20s, but on the back end of 2024 I was more depressed than I had been in years – to the point that I was weekly, sometimes daily, having to talk myself into staying alive. My closest friends, my husband, and my family were doing all they could to make sure I was reminded how much they loved me…

I have always been a reader, but I had gotten away from it as an adult. My ADHD was so consuming that I couldn’t get past a page or two because I would get frustrated having to reread paragraphs 5 times. But in early 2024, I found myself reading again because I found what many women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s now have found: smut novels, dragons, female leads who conquer the impossible by cunning, willpower, and strength. I have been entranced ever since. It is very evident in my life. I am now obsessed with certain series (my ADHD hyperfixation has found its place of good in my life). I mean, I have friends who maybe told me to read a certain series that I can bow blabber on about for hours with conspiracy theories about Easter eggs, future character arcs, etc. Basically, books became the place I could retreat and find some solace from the darkness in my mind. They became a place where I found characters that were also facing the darkest moments of their lives, or maybe just learning to heal from traumas long before. These stories and characters made me feel seen. They encouraged me that there can be happy endings for the woman who does not see a way through the darkness. So, I decided to get a phrase and sword tattoo from one of these books on my left forearm (I am left handed). The phrase atop the sword is “you do not yield” which is a reminder spoken to the heroine in the book in her darkest moment — a moment where the darkness closing in on her is so heavy, she has suffered so long and she is certain no one is coming to save her. She is empowered by those words to use all her mental strength and her inherent power to make one last effort to pierce through the darkness that is consuming her and fight her way out. So it was a reminder to myself to pick up my fucking sword and fight, even in the moments I was ready to let the darkness claim me.

Because life is not entirely the same as my books, I continued into 2025 in the depths of depression. My insomnia got worse. My anxiety got worse. I had people in my life who were making very determined and intentional efforts to keep checking on me, making plans with me, and my husband and I made paying for counseling and a new kind of therapy for me a financial priority. My sister and her family took me on vacation with them to brighten my spirits. My husband had to travel for work, and he reached out to my two closest friends who made the time to come be with me while he was out of town for a few days so that I would not be alone because I was a danger to myself. When I tell you I was at my lowest, I mean it. On top of all that I was a pastor. I was preaching the gospel of love and hope every week, but I was in bed almost all the time, unable to get up and face the day. I tried a new therapy, as I mentioned, and it helped a little bit for a little while, but it didn’t really take away the depression enough for me to emerge from the dark. Finally, at the end of 2025 I was so depressed that I began to harm myself again. (I will not go into detail about how, with what, or where I harmed myself because I learned the method I used through media and I don’t want hearing that part of my story to be the reason someone else remembers a self harm option in their lowest moment.) I got to the point where it was not just weekly or daily that I had to fight my thoughts of ending my life, it was every waking moment. Consumed by the thought to harm myself or end my life. It was involuntary and all consuming, and if you have ever known or loved someone who ended their life, I want you to understand that they were not themselves when they did. If you have never dealt with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, or any other mental health diagnosis (and I am talking clinical diagnosis) then it is impossible for you to understand that it is a powerlessness that cannot be described. To those would would judge someone dealing with these things, shame on you. It is something that should only be met with extreme empathy, kindness, and shared grief.

Through the love and support of my closest people, I was able to make the call to be evaluated by a therapist who strongly recommended I check myself into a hospital for an extended stay. It was so difficult to pick up the phone to make that call, to answer the questions honestly, and to face the truth that I needed medical care. But in that one choice to call, and in every choice after to make my way to the hospital, sign the papers to stay, go to the therapy sessions daily, and follow the steps laid before me but I did it. I am writing this post to tell any person who is scared to make that call, see the therapist, go to the hospital, tell that friend how dark it has gotten — please choose to stay. I beg you to make the decision to stay. Your light and your love are needed in this world. I am now almost 7 months out of the hospital, and I have only in recent weeks finally found myself seeing past the darkness and finding more days that I am firmly in the light. Life has become beautiful again. I have been able to participate in my life again. I have been able to laugh with real joy again. It has all been worth it to make the decision to stay alive. I want that for you. I want that for everyone who experiences depression. I know that it is yours if you just keep picking up your sword, even when you are so so weary and tired. Please keep picking up that sword to fight. I have a firm grip on my own sword now, and I stand at the ready to fight by your side if you need it, dear one.

If you or someone you love is struggling, please know that there are resources: call 988 or visit the website at https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox