MRS THERAPY GIRL

You may or may not have the background about my life at this point, but it was a few short months ago that my husband was unexpectedly told by the new president at his university, that they would be restructuring and no longer had room for his role. Effective at the end of that semester, he would be jobless. Now, I may be biased as his wife, but as someone looking in from the outside, I could not, and still cannot, wrap my mind around why he would ever be seen as disposable to a university he spent almost 10 years serving in any capacity he could. Adjuncting every course he was asked (sometimes this meant teaching a 3-4 class load which is what full time professors teach), taking a part time opportunity, then eventually being asked to come on full time. Hank was and is an absolute beacon of light for anyone around him who finds themselves in darkness. I have spent a lot of time trying t convince him of this truth, as the feelings of being disposable, not enough, or failure have washed over him for several months.

It felt so obvious to me, and still does, that Hank has everything to give this world. He is especially gifted as a teacher of ethics and theology, and his preaching is better than almost anyone I have ever heard. Watching him lose faith in himself has been one of the toughest things in our short marriage. No matter how many accomplishments of his that I list off (and there are many: two books published, several articles published, lives he has changed for the better, and I could go on), he still struggles with the fact that he was asked to step down, and to him that must mean there is a part of him that doesn’t measure up. I will forever struggle to forgive the institution and individuals who set him on this journey by casting him aside in a cowardly name of “restructuring” instead of naming the real reason he was asked to step down: his faithfulness of loving those who have been labeled as “out” by their peers.

Yet, in all of this, I never could have understood what he was feeling until yesterday. In another unexpected chain of events, I was told by my employer that I will soon be replaced by someone with more professional experience in the wake of our company’s projected growth since being bought out by a larger entity. I have been in the position almost a year, and it was my first time working in the field of Human Resources. No one could have predicted we would be growing as fast as we are now as a company when I was hired, because we hadn’t been bought yet when I was brought in. So, in the blink of an eye, I found myself in the same shoes as my beloved husband- feeling disposable in the aftermath of new leadership. In the last 24 hours since we learned the news, Hank has tried to convince me of my worth and experience that can still be used in another role and just like him, I am having a difficult time believing in it. You probably thought you were heading into another blog that would be filled with insight and good experiences, but today I am not able to bring that to the conversation. So why write a blog at all about it? Well, because I created mrstherapygirl to be a platform for vulnerability and solidarity. I don’t blog because I have all the answers, and I hope that is never my intention when I sit down to write. I write this blog to process life in a public way, so that we can all share in the experience of ups and downs, and everything in between.

My intention today is to call out what I think makes this season of my life relatable: the immanent need to convince yourself that you have worth when you are asked to step aside. This might not always be in the context of a job, maybe it is a moment of releasing your child or friend to the professional help of a therapist when you have gone as far as you can with them in the journey of healing. Maybe it is the moment of having to step aside and let medical professionals take care of your loved one. There are moments of our life where we have to release what we’ve been holding because for whatever reason, we are not equipped to go on in the role we have been playing. In these very niche moments of feeling disposable, not enough, failing, whatever emotion or lie your brain is pushing to the forefront, there can be only one thing to do… Meditate on the truths you know but are not able to embrace. What is the truth when you have to step aside for the professional to help your loved one? You did all you could to love and support them, but sometimes they have to be released to professionals with more resources. What is the truth when you lose your job because of restructuring? I did everything in my power to work my job to the best of my abilities. Hank did too. I made a difference, even if it wasn’t enough to keep me on. I am kind. I learned skills to help me in the next job. Hank impacted so many students whose lives are fuller because of his ministry. I made people laugh in my job every day. As we search for what is next, let us hold onto what carries us forward. For me, it is the peace of knowing that I did my best with what skills I had. It may not be enough for what they need right now, but that doesn’t make me inherently without worth. I may be disposable to a company, but I am not disposable to the people who love me. At the end of the day, to know your worth is one of the hardest answers to hold. I think the only way to hold it is to ask your closest people to remind you, and to listen to those voices who know you best. Thanks for reading. You are important to me, not just because you remind me that my voice matters, but because you are inherently worthy of love and respect. Don’t let anyone ever let you believe otherwise. That’s all for now, friends.