MRS THERAPY GIRL

Part 1 of … one hundred?

I started off this journey with the idea that I wanted to empower women to take up space, because it really felt like 2023 was the year where women showed up in a BIG way! I wanted to use that momentum I felt to start the journey of writing a blog that maybe only my mom will read… or maybe one day hundreds will read. I am comfortable with either outcome, because even after just a few posts I am realizing that writing these blogs is just as much about having outlet for me as it is having hope that someone reads it and feels connected to the words. I also realized it’s not just about women taking up space (though I am very passionate about that and will continue to write about it), it is about anyone who connects to these words allowing themselves to enter into this shared space… albeit a funky online, and probably more often than not, unspoken space. I guess what I am saying is, if you are joining me in this journey, no matter who you are or where you are, let’s grow together in whatever way our minds and hearts allow!

I think in any conversation about taking up space, we have to begin with acknowledging that we have a personal space to occupy. Taking up space with others begins with allowing ourselves to inhabit our own body and mind without judgement or resentment toward ourselves. Do I know everything there is to know about how to accomplish such a task? Definitely not. I have a few places I have started to do this myself, though, and I think sharing is how we grow to make things more a part of ourselves.

If you do not struggle with self judgment or resentment, this might not be the post that resonates with you. However, I would venture a guess that most everyone has struggled with either of these things at one point in their life. We have an innate part of us that is self-critical, and I think it comes down to the issue of comparison. Comparison of oneself against someone they admire or feel intimidated by is something we are all exposed to whether it is through hearing our parents do this about themselves, or seeing any media that places value on one characteristic over another. We are surrounded by a culture of comparison, and it has not only effected our relationships with others, but most seriously it has effected our relationship with ourselves. Unfortunately, if we don’t face the issue of accepting ourselves, we cannot fully begin to allow ourselves to take up space with others. Does taking up space with others require complete and unwavering acceptance of ourselves? Certainly not, but the bravery to step into spaces where we are not often given the freedom to occupy comes from a confidence we can only gain by loving and accepting ourselves.

Enough explanation about why taking up space starts within yourself, let’s get to the content where I offer ideas on how to accept yourself. A reminder: I am not a professional or a scholar, nor am I a psychologist or even a student of psychology. I am a girl who likes to learn and I have fixated on issues of mental health for most of my life (out of necessity at times to make it through each day, and out of curiosity at other times). All of the things I know about self acceptance I have learned through years of counseling, as well as deep relationships with people who are emotionally vulnerable enough to grapple with the hard issues we don’t often feel freedom to talk through with everyone. It is in safe spaces that I have learned these things and it is in safe spaces that I believe we are able to achieve them.

The first thing I think someone can do in order to allow themselves to take up space is to practice self-acceptance by encouraging ourselves to believe and know that we do not need to be perfect. Perfection is impossible in any form and it is high time we remind ourselves over and over of this truth. In the moments where you find that you are resenting yourself for a flawed response to stress, your inability to meet a deadline, your unintentional (or, let’s face it, sometimes intentional) inappropriate remark or joke. These moments are the place we have to start the foundation for self love by just… forgiving ourself. What? That’s crazy talk. Did you hear what I said about that coworker I can’t stand? Did you see how intensely I messed up that presentation? Did you see the email I sent that was to the wrong person that caused a lot of damage? Did you see that stupid decision I made which ended up hurting someone I loved? The answer is yes. I still know deep in my bones that we should forgive ourselves for anything that causes us shame and self-loathing. You are flawed, I am flawed, and there is absolutely nothing that is beyond the opportunity to forgive yourself. Maybe the person you hurt won’t forgive you, but that is something you have to let yourself release. At the end of the day, you are simply a person on a journey of learning and growth, and you are all you’ve got. You are stuck in your own skin, so give yourself the grace to come back from mistakes and release the shame or self hatred that those mistakes left in their wake. (Cue “You’re on Your Own, Kid” by the amazing Taylor Swift) As long as we are in this life, we will cause harm to each other every once in a while. It happens unintentionally and intentionally, but we can always learn from it and grow into a better version of ourselves than we were in that moment.

Another thing to practice within yourself in order to fully give yourself permission to take up the space you deserve, is the ability to allow a thought to just be a thought. I am speaking as someone who has experienced anxious thoughts, extreme lows of depression, and PTSD responses that I am not always able to control so please know that this concept doesn’t have to be achievable every time you try. However, I have learned to give my brain the space to experience my thoughts as pieces on a conveyer belt. The thought comes, it takes its journey to the end of the thought process (for someone like me who has panic disorder those spirals can go on for a long time and that’s okay), and then it disappears on the other side of the belt and makes its way into the back of my mind. To be honest, I don’t often have the strength within myself to achieve this, but I do think it is crucial to self acceptance. Not every thought has to hold the same weight as the last, or any weight for that matter. For example: I have a “stuck point” that my mind fixates on sometimes as a part of my ongoing battle with medical trauma I have experienced. [I talk more about stuck points in Truth or Dare (Trauma’s Version)]. One of my main stuck points is the thought that I am a burden. I spent most of my childhood feeling like my parents were constantly burdened by the weight of taking me to doctors visits, agonizing over whether I would be okay, and the financial load of long hospital visits filled with many expensive procedures. I had a long term dating relationship that ended when I was at my sickest and that person’s reason for breaking up with me was because I wasn’t the same and they couldn’t make me happy anymore (I was experiencing suicidal ideation and crippling anxiety and depression for the first time in my life). With their exit from my life, I solidified the belief that I am just a burden to everyone. Thankfully over ten years later, when the thought “you’re a burden” comes to mind, it flows across the conveyer belt and fades into the distant back of my mind again. It has taken years of positive affirmation from my husband, friends, and family as well as dedication to my counseling journey to be able to let that thought just be a thought, but after clearing that hurdle I can push other thoughts onto the belt as they come. Thoughts like: “you really sounded dumb on that phone call to another professional” honestly just roll across the belt and I move on and just laugh at myself because I can let the thought go and accept my quirky phone exchanges for what they are: a unique and predictable possibility to embrace and laugh about because, honestly, it’s not a big deal. Most professional calls I make are one and done or happen very rarely–so what if I say something incorrect and have to walk it back, or babble unintentionally, or whatever! I have learned to let the negative thought go and try to replace it with a more positive or neutral one: “I made that person feel more comfortable by making an innocent mistake or stumbling over my words” or “I made them laugh. They probably needed that today and I will never see their face anyway.” I guess I unintentionally added to this tip that started out as just allowing a thought to be a thought. If you have to replace it with another thought that is less critical of yourself and more neutral, or better yet a positive thought, to allow it to move across that conveyer belt, you will be on your way to allowing yourself to take up space.

Bottom line, be gracious and kind to yourself. Everyone around you is making mistakes too, and everyone around you is imperfect. Allow yourself to release the pressure of self criticism and resentment. Remind yourself that your flaws are not unique–you’re just a human like any other who is trying to make the best of their world. Accept that you will fail. Accept that you will hurt people. Accept that you are perpetually wandering, and allow yourself the joy of being unashamedly present for the journey. There is space for you, and I know you have it within you to inhabit and impact that space for the good. I hope you can learn to believe you can boldly take up that space. The world awaits your gifts and perspectives!

Here are some positive additions you can buy for yourself to help in the journey of allowing yourself to take up space:

• Framed Reminders
• Coffee Tumbler Affirmations
• Mental Health Tumbler Affirmations
• Mental Health Tumbler with handle
• Fuzzy Weighted blanket for self care
• The World is a Better Place with you in it Sweatshirt
• Affirmation Candle

**Disclaimer that all links are affiliate links that I get commission from, but they are still products I believe in!