MRS THERAPY GIRL

I have been on this journey with depression and anxiety for a little over a decade now. It is a daily struggle. It affects the relationships I have with the people I care most about. It drove me to drop out of college when I was just three semesters from graduating. Sometimes it makes it impossible to get out of bed in the morning. I am trapped in my mind with this disease—this demon that distorts my reality and makes me feel held back from my potential in many areas of my life.

There have been good patches along the way, though. For the most part, I have even been doing quite well for over a year, and I am making strides I never thought I could. However, every time I feel like I see an end to the struggle, it seems another mental health struggle finds some new ways to entangle my mind. Navigating my brain is harder than anything I went through with my physical health. It is worse than the trauma I experienced as a child being rushed to hospitals, and it’s worse than the time I spent in surgeries while other kids played or (in later years) while other teenagers enjoyed the excitements of high school. Mental health struggles are worse because they are ongoing and unspoken.

Now, I am not writing this so that people will pity me. I don’t need pity at all. I am writing this because there is power in speaking about these things. I am telling you of my struggles, because I know I’m not the only one experiencing the pain that depression, anxiety, crippling ADHD and every other mental illness causes. I am tired of pretending to be okay, and I am tired of avoiding the subject. These things have too much power when we keep them to ourselves. I refuse to give them that power any longer. I refuse to let the people around me give them such power, and I am positive I am not the only one dealing with these things.

Dear and precious person who reads this, if you are experiencing the pain and loneliness that comes with mental illness, know that I am with you. There is freedom and power in solidarity. I am encouraging anyone who deals with mental health barriers, whether they are clinical conditions or the depths of grief, loss that is so great it brings your life to a halt, and anything else that keeps you stuck in your mind and cut off from others. I encourage you to talk to the people around you  who know nothing about this struggle you are facing. Educate them, and tell people what you need. Tell the people you are afraid to tell. Because the truth is, the hardest part of mental health disorders is pretending you don’t have them. Don’t give the darkness you are experiencing that power over you.

I am learning that the first step in beating my own mental struggles is to be vulnerable, even when it is scary and I am afraid that the person I tell will be annoyed, frustrated, or dismissive. Being vulnerable and honest brings others in to help you in the fight.

The truth that brains cloud is: people love you. Your struggles are not a burden, (in the case that someone seems burdened, it’s not your fault) and your pain matters. It’s time to stop letting the lies and manipulative terrors of our mind dictate our lives. We were never created to live with such pain. So why settle for this pain? Why are we just ignoring our struggles or remaining complacent, and telling ourselves that this is what we are meant to be? This is not who we are. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am not my PTSD. You are not your struggle either. We don’t have to live in the darkness of lies, fears, angers, failures, or pains any longer. We have a world to go out and change. We have safe spaces to create. We have opportunities to seize. Most of all, we have a life to live. The time for action is now. Call that counseling agency you wrote down months ago. Try the medication your doctor prescribed when you opened up about your struggles. Ask a friend to coffee so you can get this off your chest.

PS – Some ideas to help you relax at work or home when you have anxiety: Small Fountain or  Zen Garden for Desk

**This is an updated rendition of something I posted in my early twenties that I wanted to revisit. I hope it is just as relevant today as it felt to me then.